Its an odd feeling, sitting down to write a suicide letter and realizing you have nothing to write about. I'm not sure why I should even bother. What good could come of leaving something behind? I suppose the others have left them when they had something to say, or needed to make a statement. I sat down with the thought of explaining myself. Not defending myself, I see nothing wrong with suicide as long as it is a conscious and logical choice. I just want to explain why, so that others can understand. I guess that means I'm worried what others will think of me, though that contradicts my personality.
I feel like I have a lot to say. I have a lot to explain. Reasons why my life will end the way it will, while I'm still young, when I have the chance for a much longer life. But constantly nagging in the back of my brain, one of the great reasons why I have come this far to begin with, is the question "Why bother?". Nobody cares, nobody truely cares. This isn't some emo, feeling sorry for myself, used and abused voice speaking. This is a completely logical and observant voice. Its taken me years to see, but I've learned in my short lifetime that nobody truly cares what others have to say. We are all selfish.
Pay attention to the conversations with your friends. Pay attention to yourself. You will find that very very few of them will really listen. Very few people will look deeper into your words, very few will make any effort to understand why you've said something. Everyone is simply waiting for their turn to speak up.
In my life I've met a very small handful of people, who I would call kindred spirits if I were a faithful man. These are the people you can sit with in silence, yet still communicate. These are the people who register your subtle facial expressions, and know exactly what they mean. These are the people who know something is wrong when everyone else in the world is completely fooled by your charade. These are people who know exactly who they are without me naming names. Without you, all would have been lost long ago. I've rarely felt understood in my life, but when I did, it was with you. To anyone else unfortunate enough to read this, ignore everyone else in your life. Nobody is more important than these people.
My first thoughts of suicide came to me as a child. I was an angry child. Angry at the world and everything around me, and I was too young to understand why. I remember being seven or eight, holding a serrated steak knife to my wrist and threatening my mom, screaming that I would kill myself. I was so angry I could feel heat rising off of my shoulders and every muscle in my face ached. If only I knew then what I know now I might have understood the effect that can have on a young single mother. That, however, was one of a thousand incidents of my youth, and I only mention it now because it was the first time I tried using suicide as a weapon.
I remember playing with friends around that time, talking and dreaming of the future. Talking about what we would be when we would grow up, predicting how long we would live and how we would die. Most children want to die old in their sleep. Thats what their parents have told them about their grandparents. Its a peaceful way to die, more of a passing than a death. I predicted I would die by the age of 25. For some reason that number felt right to me. I didn't see any need to live longer.
As I grew my personality changed but I've always felt different, like an outside. Perhaps everyone feels like this, I don't know. But I know now that I am different. I threatened suicide for the second time in my life in high school, in a stupid attempt to keep a girlfriend who had long since fallen for another. This time it involved a revolver instead of a knife, but the intentions were the same. I was never going to kill myself, I was only trying to get what I wanted. I thought about it, yes, but inside I knew it was too soon. The time would come, but not yet.
And so here we are today, and I'm trying to decide whether or not I should continue with this letter or just get it over with. My hope is that you could learn something from this but I know it is mostly futile. I hate talking like this because it sounds so cliche. I assure you I am at a very clear and logical state of mind. I do not feel sorry for my situation, I welcome it as you would welcome any other major change in your life.
The fact is that I will be dead soon after I'm finished with this letter and I have yet to explain my motives. To put it simply, I do not enjoy life. I have very little motivation to continue with anything. As I've come closer and closer to my predicted year of death I feel as if my batteries are draining and I'm now running on fumes. I feel as if I've played my part. I've made the impacts I need to make, I've influenced the people I was meant to influence, so staying alive any longer is selfish in that I would only be affecting myself. All of my friends and family are at an age where they won't soon forget my passing, so any lessons I have to teach them are strongest now.
I do not want to be remembered, though I know that is a ridiculous request. But as my final selfish request I will say it anyways. I think it is very important for those that care or have cared for me to understand that it was not me that was important. I have always been expendable. I have always been a tool, here only to serve the simple purpose of giving you an edge on the rest of humankind. That edge being experience and understanding of life and death and hopefully the motivation to make something out of the time that would have otherwise been mine. I go willingly because it will ease the pain and silence that nagging in the back of my head that is constantly questioning everything and constantly asking "Why?". I go willingly because I know at least one of you will truly read what I am writing here and will make a change in your life for the better.
See the world for what it is. This is a very simple existence. Try your best to enjoy everything. If you don't like a job, quit. If you don't like your life, pack up and move. Start anew. Do whatever you have to do to live the life you want. Don't settle for less just to get by and find yourself dying slowly in your bed in old age wondering why you never did what you really wanted to do.
Its funny, I always though my last letter to the world would be much more depressing.
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